near redundancy

You still had dreams throughout the unmanageablility. You desperately wanted to do
something important for the world and wanted to feel better about yourself. A cliff-hanger.

You started looking for the right grad school. You found John Jay College of CUNY. They have a master’s public administration with an emphasis on inspector general. Your plan was to leave DC August/September of that year, establish residency in NY so the tuition would be lower and work in another club. You though this was communicated clearly to your supervisor and her supervisor in the early Spring.

To make a vast understatement – it felt like this move would be the biggest life-changing event you ever had to wrestle to the ground. You helped train your coworkers on a billing schedule, and thought to use that as leverage in order to get a recommendation in NYC, which would provide a steady income and a community which would be supportive while you adjusted to the change, mentalities and to the social scenes. You thought you could make them agree to hold your raise until leaving the office – therefore cutting their expenses but still raising your per annum salary for negotiation in NY.

This plan was ideal (read: imaginary) and all you had to do was maintain your work
performance.

No meetings, haven’t surrendered, continue reading about the unmanageability.

You dropped the ball somewhere in May and were written up for eight very vague points that were never fully explained because your direct supervisor resigned. You took on another job at a bar, volunteered for social programs at the club and was working seven days a week for April through May. Suffice it to say that you knew your energy level was waning, your patience shortening and your drinking increasing.

You were up for your year review, and at the end of the meeting, you brought up your
recommendation (i.e., imaginary contract). The deputy director of the club said that in light of the two write-ups this year that she didn’t feel she could write you a strong recommendation. And it was a swift kick in the ass.

You started having panic attacks from the stress, and nightmares as well. There was one night when you woke up hysterically crying because in your nightmare you had a schizophrenic break. You called the ex-fiancé and he talked you down to where you could fall asleep again. You had some insomnia, was drinking to help yourself get to sleep, it was just a downward spiral. To realize this imaginary contract, turn to page 25.

To continue on this downward spiral, please turn to page 8

To give up on trying to control things that you have no control over, start taking suggestions (page 10).